Why You Need to Stop People Pleasing
Do you struggle with the tendency to want to please others, often at the expense of finding time for your side hustle? You are not alone. It’s a trait I struggle with and one, as women, I feel that society encourages to practise. If you fail to address it, particularly when it comes to pursuing your side hustle, it can sabotage your dreams of starting a new business.
Why We Want to Please Others
So where does it come from? Like many things about our brains, this behaviour once served us. When we needed to be part of a social group to keep alive, pleasing others was a necessary behaviour so that we were accepted into the group.
In childhood we learn that we get rewards from adults by behaving well and agreeing to what they ask us to do. To some extent this is fine, but it’s when you constantly prioritise others’ needs over your own that the problems arise. As a woman, and perhaps as a parent or carer for ageing parents, our needs can frequently take second place to those of the other members of our family.
Unfortunately, this can lead to you neglecting your own goals and personal development, including finding the time to build your side hustle.
People pleasing vs unconditional love
According to Brooke Castillo, founder of The Life Coach School, people-pleasing is a choice you make to avoid negative feelings like rejection or disapproval. In her podcast episode Love vs People Pleasing Brooke talks about the difference between agreeing to do something for someone else because we love them, as opposed to people pleasing. This is what she says:
People pleasing involves lying to make others happy, while love requires telling the truth, both to yourself and to others. So if your mouth says ‘yes’, but your brain says ‘no’, then you’re people pleasing.
If you find yourself feeling resentment while trying to show love, it’s likely that you are people pleasing. Love does not involve resentment but honesty, even when it may lead to difficult responses.
You feel that you are ‘self-sacrificing’
People pleasing often involves allowing others to violate your boundaries, which you may permit as you haven’t put clear boundaries in place.
Do any of those ring true for you? They certainly do for me, but they also make me, and perhaps you, feel uncomfortable when I think about changing my behaviour. Unfortunately unless you are prepared to do this your side hustle will suffer.
The Impact on Your Side Hustle
Let’s look at the impact of being a people-pleaser when it comes to finding time for your side hustle…
Time Drain: If you’re a people-pleaser you probably frequently take too much on and leave yourself with very little time for your side hustle. When someone asks for help—whether it’s your sister needing someone to babysit or a friend asking you to help out at the local food bank — your instinct to say yes is probably automatic.
Guilt and Shame: When you are conditioned to say yes to others and put your needs second I think that we can feel guilty about saying no and prioritising our needs. I know for me that it can come from the feeling that my goals are less important than other peoples’ or I don’t want to be a nuisance or make their life difficult by saying no to them.
Neglecting Boundaries: Establishing boundaries around the time that you put aside for your side hustle is crucial. However, if you’re a people-pleaser you probably find this difficult and worry that that setting boundaries might upset your friends and family. I know it sounds silly, but I feel guilty about not watching TV with my other half in the evening because I’m working on my side hustle. For me it’s about finding a balance. Deciding on a compromise position that I feel comfortable with.
Procrastination: If you keep neglecting your side hustle the work will start to pile up and starting can feel daunting, meaning you’ll waste time procrastinating as your to do list feels overwhelming.
Emotional Exhaustion: Constantly putting others ahead of you can be emotionally draining. This might be due to never having any ‘me’ time or space to work on what’s important to you i.e. your side hustle.
Conclusion
As you can see people-pleasing behaviour can be a significant problem when it comes to pursuing a side hustle, particularly if you’re a woman who is juggling various family responsibilities. Now that you understand a bit more about the impact of this tendency, be mindful of how often you’re saying ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘no’. Don’t feel that you need to go around turning down every request, but just monitor how often this happens and consider the impact this may be having on the time you’ve got available to work on your side hustle. If it is really having a negative impact then you need to decide what you’re going to stop saying ‘yes’ to. For some ideas on how to say no take a look at this Instagram reel, the first of three I posted about ways to say 'no’ nicely.
As always, if you haven’t yet got your copy of ‘Easy Ways to Make Time for a Side Hustle’ then you can get your free copy here.